As most of you who follow me and my writing know, I took some time off writing. Why? Well, I was beginning to feel a little jaded and just downright irritated with the way the romance industry was making me feel. And it has nothing to do with my fantastic readers. It was all about me and some stuff I was going through in my life that wasn’t conducive to the crap I was dealing with in my writing.
So, within that year I scribbled down story ideas, blogged, tried to start a few things that just wound up crashing. Finally, after a good talking to with the two best friends, and a wonderful outing to my first ever romance convention, I sat down again and put fingers to keyboard. What came out was surprising. Well, why…okay…the first story was of a female marine who comes home and got on her Harley and just started riding. I got that finished, beta-tested and submitted. Less than a month later I got a letter back–they don’t want it.
Okay…I went through the typical emotions that I usually go through when I get a rejection. Right around that time I was finishing another story that I started about two years ago but just didn’t have the heart or push to finish. While I was waiting to hear back from this publisher, I got this new drive and wrote through the whole thing until I was finished. Right as I finished it and was setting it aside to chill before going through it and gutting it aka editing it, I got the rejection letter and my mood just crashed again. But, the old me would have cried about it and get depressed but you know what?
They always say when one door closes another opens, or a window opens or something like that. This is the brand, spanking new me, right? The new me will see a silver lining somewhere–even if its a dismally pale, silver lining and I need to look through Sherlock Holmes’s magnifying glass to see it. It’s there.
So, now I’m re-gutting aka re-editing this story and will be subbing it somewhere else. I mean, I am under the impression that it just didn’t fit with said publisher and that I don’t completely fail at life with it. So, with another round of editing, I will submit it and wait for an answer like I usually do, watching my inbox like an addict waiting for the next fix.
So that was a major failure to relaunch. Still, I began writing another story. I found myself writing a cowboy romance–which apparently I am good at. People, readers agree but as I laid awake one night, binge watching a South Korean Drama (you try just watching one episode of any Korean Drama and not get addicted–I dare you) and it hit me. When I began writing romance it wasn’t because of what publishers thought. When I began writing it was because I loved the genre, because it had saved me so many times growing up that I had lost count. It was because I saw love as universal thing–I saw love bigger than colour or race or abilities. I saw love for love. Somewhere through my getting published almost eleven years ago, and fluctuating between romance, sensual romance and erotica, I lost that thing that made my first readers flocked to me in the first place.
So what do I do?
I could continue working on the cowboy and singer novel that I had started because as usual I’m clinging to the idea that one day I will come back to it and finish it. That one day I will feel a draw to it and this feeling of utter sorrow I feel every time I open the file will go away an give way to a clarity that will be fantastic! Or I can go with the new me, scrap it all and start from zero. I could go back to what made my Destiny’s Cowboy and A Lover’s Wish bestsellers. I could start from scratch and write romance stories that tug at my heart a little deeper and make me cry while writing the characters then giggle with them and laugh with them–I could begin all over again, with a fresh palate and write stories that bring me great joy.
With this mental tug of war happening inside my head, I got out of bed, put pants on (to my horror) and ventured outside in a dismal looking afternoon to run some errands. As I walked toward the intersection with my ever present Ipod blaring inside my head, If You by BigBang from their D Mini album from their MADE series began playing. T.O.P’s beautifully baritone voice filled my head and brought tears to my eyes. First, because T.O.P never sings a lead part because he’s BigBang’s lead rapper. So just hearing his voice was so beautiful, I had to cry. Then a story, one like the ones I wrote when I first started filled my brain, wrapped itself around this beautifully sang song and wouldn’t let go. This idea was so in my zone I couldn’t stand it. I had to stop under a tree to catch my breath. While I have to do some research I know I can write this and I know it will bring me through the emotional experiences that I used to get with my stories. It may or may not get picked up by a publisher–and that’s okay. With today’s technology I can always self-publish anyway.
Either way, I am on track once more and it feels damn good.