Usually, I get to work on time–well, I’m a bit of a nerd and I tend to get to work early when there’s no TTC issue. I set three alarms just to make sure I keep that going. So when I get there, I do the usual stuff, like put on the coffee, unload the dishwasher for the office, that sort of thing. Then I sit down to breakfast and read the news on yahoo or MSBC or one of those sites. This morning I’m scanning the headlines and one jumped out at me:
“After Staying a Virgin Until Marriage, I Couldn’t Have Sex With My Husband”
I read it a few times before curiosity got the better of me and I clicked on it over that scandal happening now with the Panama files. I read the article carefully and it started out the way many religious fear mongers talks start out when it comes to women and sex: sex is bad. don’t do it. As most of you know I was adopted and my birth father gave me that line numerous times. The neighbor told me if I had sex with anyone but my husband I’d burn in hell. I was eight when I was given that piece of advice. It’s the same advice, more or less, this woman was given and since her parents and the people in the church were telling her this, from a young age, of course it was true to her, of course she believed them.
After years of believing all that hype about how horrible sex is, when she finally got married, her vagina wouldn’t work. Plain and simple. She was diagnosed with Vaginismus. Yes I looked it up and it’s descried as: painful spasmodic contraction of the vagina in response to physical contact or pressure especially in sexual intercourse”
I was lucky. My adopted father sat me down (to my horror) at fourteen years old and said listen, I’m not going to tell you not to have sex. Here’s what I will tell you. And he gave me the honest truth about it. Be safe. Be selective who you give it to. Be careful. If you think something is wrong, come to your mother and me. And through that one talk, I learn not to fear sex but to be selective on who I chose to lay down with. Of course I’ve been VERY selective because it’s my body and I have control over who sees/be a part of it.
The honest truth is, people can say anything when it comes to sex. But honestly, you won’t know something is wrong with your body until you do it. I’m not saying everyone should, in mass exodus, go out there and start humping like rabbits, no, that is not my point. My point is don’t lie to your kids about sex. Don’t scare them into thinking they will face eternal damnation if they have sex before there’s a stupid piece of metal on their fingers. Sex isn’t the MOST important thing in a marriage but let’s not kid ourselves, it is an important part and if you cannot be intimate with your partner then I have to ask, what’s the use? You’re going to be miserable because you think you’re failing as a spouse and he/she is going to be miserable because they think they aren’t desirable to you.
So in other words, we’re in 2016. Stop using fear to paralyze your children. Don’t get me wrong, some fear is good-they need to learn that though sex can be fun, there are consequences if they aren’t careful and if they don’t do the right and good things. Then lay out the right things:
- Wait until you feel you are ready and not a moment before.
- Be selective. Just because he/she says they are into you doesn’t mean you should give it up. It’s YOUR body. You are the gatekeeper to that beautiful treasure and you will let only those who deserve to be in, in.
- Be safe – Condoms, condoms and more condoms. Sure, they are not perfect but they help.
- When old enough, birth control AND condoms.
- Teach them about STD’s and what to do if they suspect they might have one.
That kind of thing.
Bottom line, there are tons of things in this world we have to fear. Sex shouldn’t be one of them, being intimate with someone you’re in love with shouldn’t be one of them. Put that fear to good use, like for the boogymen lurking in the shadows or Donald Trump.
Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. And in this day and age when all you have to do is type what you like into google and WHAM everything, and I do mean everything pops up in five seconds, you really shouldn’t be trying to lead your kids astray. If you don’t tell them, someone else will and it could be that shady dude next door in the freaky looking trench coat in the middle of summer. You don’t want others to teach your children something you should be. While you should be telling them the truth and you have an obligation to tell them the truth, John Doe, sitting in his mother’s basement with the lights off and a towel over his naked lap doesn’t have that obligation. He can tell your kids anything and because they don’t know better they believe it.
Sex is bad. Don’t do it, just doesn’t cut it anymore and quite frankly, it’s a cop out. Do your job as parents and teach your children what’s right. Making them useless to their future spouse is messed up and shame on you all for doing that to them.
You can find the article here.